Getting from ‘no’ to ‘yes’ without nagging or bribing
By Jerry Wyckoff, Ph.D. and Barbara C. Unell
Toddlers and preschoolers are famous for saying "no." They haven’t learned to see things from another person’s perspective. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it, which is developmentally appropriate. They also like consistency and predictability. So they are likely to say "no" to avoid change, failure or the unknown.
Parents may unintentionally encourage this behavior by giving kids very little attention when they cooperate and a lot of attention when they don’t. It helps to remember that young kids don’t always see a parent’s "big picture." You may need to get them dressed so you can get to work on time, but they don’t share your sense of urgency. Before you react negatively when your child says "no," ask yourself:
How would I feel if I were the child? Considering a child’s point of view is the first step in finding ways to motivate her or him to cooperate. Is he tired? Is she having fun playing? Is he afraid to do something you asked him to do?
What is my child capable of doing? Have you taught him to do what you’re telling him to do? Can she understand all the words you are using? Are you talking directly to your child or yelling from another room? Are you giving too many directions at one time?
Am I a good role model? Young children are watching your example. Point out how you brush your teeth, wash your hands, use your napkin, wear your seat belt.
Check your motivation
It’s normal to get irritated when kids don’t cooperate, and irritation can lead to nagging (how many times do I have to tell you?), labeling (you’re so lazy), blaming (don’t make me late again), shaming (I’m so disappointed in you) or threatening (if you don’t put your shoes on right now, I’ll spank you).
Threats in turn can make kids fearful and motivate them to rebel. Bribes teach them to hold out for a tangible prize—with their external motivation dependent on the size of your payoff. And if parents habitually scold, find fault, complain, blame, label and shame, children will tune you out and learn to use these hurtful tactics on you and on others as well.
Helpful ways to motivate
Show empathy. If your children know that you care about their concerns, they’ll be more likely in the short term to do what you ask and in the long term to learn to cope with frustration, delay gratification, express their feelings, empathize with others, make good decisions and be team players. Showing respect for their opinions motivates children’s cooperation.
Give kidssome choices. It will help them practice decision-making. With a younger child, give just one or two options. And for all kids, don’t offer alternatives you can’t or won’t follow up on.
Try saying"When you have done what I asked you to do, you can do what you want to do." This teaches the value of meeting responsibilities. It gives children practice in delaying gratification.
Listen to your own "self-talk," that voice in your head that labels an event as a problem or an opportunity to help your child learn a skill. For example, when you view your child’s refusal to cooperate as an act of defiance, you’re likely to respond negatively. But when you view resistance as a teachable moment, you’ll respond more reasonably and responsibly. (See box below.) u
—Adapted from the authors’ book "Getting Your Child from No to Yes Without Nagging, Bribing, or Threatening" (Meadowbook Press).
"Daddy, I want to go home now."
When your 3-year-old doesn’t want to leave the park...
Here are some "self-talk" ideas—to avoid a child’s fussing and suggest what you might (and might not) say in this situation.
Don’t tell yourself
"I can’t stand my child’s behavior." This evokes helplessness and closes the door to a creative solution, and your frustration will only discourage a child’s cooperation. Instead, tell yourself "Ican handle my child’s need to be his or her own person." When you’re feeling hopeful and empathetic, your interactions with your child will be positive and supportive, which is crucial in motivating kids to cooperate.
Don’t tell yourself
"The other parents here must think I’m incompetent." It’s self-defeating to worry about what you don’t know and can’t control. Instead, tell yourself "My goal isn’t to impress others." Keep in mind your long-term effort of helping your child learn to handle change and frustration.
When you talk to your child...
Don’t whine. Don’t say, "Why can’t you ever do what Isay? No matter how long we stay, it’s never enough for you." Instead, give directions. Say, "It’s going to be time to go in five minutes. Let’s start picking things up now." Reminding children of a departure routine helps them prepare for a change.
Don’t threaten. Avoid saying, "Don’t you say ‘no’ to me. If you’re not careful, you’ll get a spanking." This only tells a child that you’re bigger and stronger and that hitting is an acceptable way to get what you want. Instead, use empathy. Say, "Iunderstand that you don’t want to go, but sometimes we have to do things we don’t like." This validates kids’ feelings, helps elicit their cooperation and teaches them to cope with disappointment.
Don’t bribe.
Avoid saying, "Come with me now and we’ll stop by the store and I’ll get you a treat." Linking food with cooperation or your approval complicates the situation and can set the stage for eating problems later in life. Instead, use a positive consequence. Say, "Getting ready to go when it’s time means we can come back again soon." This tells children that cooperation is the key to getting to do what they want in the future. It’s an important step in teaching them to delay gratification and tolerate temporary frustration.
